We had a big discussion about this question in class: Can guys and girls be friends without wanting anything more from each other?
We're taught from all the chick flicks and romantic comedies and what not, that girls that have a best friend that isn't gay, will most likely end up with this best friend, or that one of them will at least try to be something more than friends.
I guess that there is some truth in that assumption. Friendships between males and females fail all the time because one of them develops feelings for the other one, or realizes at a drunken party night that the supposedly ‘best friend’ is quite good-looking and could potentially be a perfect match. These things happen all the time, and sometimes the other person in the friendship feels the same way and they can have a wonderful relationship from then on. In most of the cases unfortunately, this situation ends in rejection, wet tissues, and a few kilos gained from a large consumption of chocolate and not enough exercise.
When this happens to a guy (let’s assume that there’s less chocolate involved though) it’s mostly because they’re attracted to the girl, and they think that this must be the only girl they can actually TALK to without thinking about sex all the time. Often it’s also because they think that it’s possible to have a casual ‘friends with benefits’ kind of thing, which we all know never works out.
This is when the girl gets emotionally involved. Girls tend to start liking someone when they know they can’t be with the person. The chase is our favorite game, even though in a situation where the guy doesn’t want it that way, we fall face down into hurt feelings on our way to glory.
So sometimes, it’s true that girls and boys can’t be friends, but I believe that this only happens when there has already been some kind of physical attraction to each other when starting the friendship. It’s not like the fact of being friends, makes girls and boys want more from each other, so the friendship part can’t be blamed for its failure.
I believe that girls and boys can be friends, even when neither of them are going out with someone else (because then it’s harder to cross the line between friendship and love, or whatever one might call it). Girls need guy friends to escape from a world of constant drama, fights, and boy talk. It’s very helpful to get a guy’s perspective on various problems and such when girls just tell you to play hard to get. Girls and guys can be friends, and they don’t have to find each other unattractive, in order to have a healthy friendship that doesn’t long for more. It might be harder for some individuals to have friends from the opposite sex, if they have a very flirty personality or are incredibly stunning, in which case they just fail to choose their friends wisely.
I find it very interesting that you said guys and girls can in fact be friends. I believe that a lot of the things you said in the post are true, however they also come with a lot of assumptions that are not always true in reality. In my opinion, guys and girls cannot be just friends. It is merely impossible for just opposite sexes to not have anything in the middle. There is no one controlling the thin line that separates a need for moral support, and the urge to have someone over there and this is what leads to problems. In my opinion, due to the fact that guys are more straightforward and tend to mull less over small thoughts, they are generally the first ones to cross the line for a need of someone who can be there emotionally for them. No matter how masculine a guy is, it is human instinct to have a companion, and thus he is generally the first one to want something more. Girls, on the other hand, tend to be more analytical and already ready to be an emotional support... this causes a larger confusion in the mind of the boy which will soon lead to the guy having feelings. This is of course is looking from the guys perspective.
ReplyDeleteIf you look it from the girls perspective, I think if a guy would show the emotional and moral support REQUIRED by the girl, she would fall for him regardless of the fact the guy likes her or not. The moment there is a guy who may be able to give a girl whatever she wants as a friend, she will look at the guy differently even if the guy did not purposely instigate any feelings; and soon you will find out that they cannot be just friends.
You still might also be disagreeing with the fact that guys and girls cannot be friends, but many of times a one of the people is just "fighting the love." Have you ever thought that one of the sexes, or maybe both deep inside have the urge to be with each other, but because they are friends, and would not want to lose their friendship, they hid their feelings and in fact just continue to be friends. But no matter what, this "fighting the love" will also turn around and haunt you because at the end either one of the sexes will feel used in a way, if the other one gets into a relationship. And at this point, the person would realize that if they did not fight the love.. something could've happened.
To further understand what I was talking about when mentioning the assumptions, you should look at this link that I had read about whether men and women can be friends.. Because sexual desires are so spontaneous, girls and guys just cannot be friends for a LONG time http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200109/can-men-and-women-be-friends
ReplyDeleteAnuraag,
ReplyDeletethanks for your thoughts. I must say that especially the last lines made me think as it sounds exactly like an advice that I gave to a good friend of mine (who happens to be male and is still my friend). Let's say that friends want more from each other but are too afraid to admit or to take a chance on love. It still supports what I said before, being that they must have had some sort of attraction to each other starting the friendship.
Personally I have a few guy friends that I know I would never cross the friendship line with, and I'm sure that they don't want anything from me either. Maybe if you stopped looking at things like they're just black and white, you might find that apart from the girl you have feelings for, you can have wonderful friendships with girls that don't mean anything more.
I'm glad that you said this: 'guys are more straightforward'. IN WHAT WAY? Guys love to play games. Most of them don't talk about their feelings and it all gets messy and doesn't work out because the girl doesn't know where she's at and everything goes to waste. When you think about it , girls are pretty straightforward. They might play games and such, but they'll always let a guy know somehow what they want from them.Sometimes guys just need to man up? :3
Although I do agree that guys and girls can be friends, I would only say that this is true up to a certain point.All people, no matter what type of personality they have need friends of both genders.
ReplyDeleteThe reason why it may seem that men and women are incapable f holding down a friendship is because that men have this idea that by becoming friends with someone that they find attractive is the key to getting closer to them. By learning about each other and developing a stronger bond emotionally, the guy believes that this will eventually lead to a physical relationship. By getting close to the girl, both the man and the woman develop and emotion dependency, where both members feel connected and comfortable around each other. This can go one of two ways, either a physical relationship is formed, because both share this desire to be with someone who they feel comfortable around. Or this can turn into what is called the friend zone. Where one person can no longer view the other as a 'sexual partner' of sorts because the only thing they see the other as is as a very close friend. This results in one person lusting after the other but only receiving the response 'I think you're just a friend'. In this case one person feels rejected and the friendship slowly decays.
However along with this there is another outcome. If both people have developed and emotional connection and both feel comfortable around each other, then it is possible that both people only see the other as a friend. You see each other in the same way that you see you're favorite hoodie. Its safe, its comfortable and basically your best friend. Although the thought of becoming more than just friends may cross the minds of both the man and women, there is always the same answer. Who in their right mind would want to date their hoodie. Once the emotional connection has gone on long enough with a physical connection the friendship between man and woman can continue without one person feeling differently about the other.
So Anuraag i would disagree strongly with your idea that the friendship is doomed simply because there is no middle ground on which both people can lie. Instead i would argue that if the feelings of mutual friendship have gone on between both people, the two members of the friendship will no longer be able to think of the other as a partner, and instead will remain friends.
I'm glad that you're taking the time to consider these complex ideas-I will keep my two cents for a while and see how this discussion progresses :)Ms. M
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